Pressure

I said i thrived under pressure, I boasted in my ability to be calm - I swore in the potency of pressure to churn out the best in me, I did, I do, I...

This is not like the pressure I've known, this is not what I'm accustomed to, this is new. This is me under a different kind of  pressure, this is me fighting my addiction, this is me fighting depression, this is me waiting on a doctors report to certify my kidney OK, this is me bare, broken, digging deep. 

I am withdrawing, into myself- I feel the universe is playing tricks on me, it wants me to fail. I am scared of failing, i am at my weakest, this is not me, who is this? Have i lived life for others that i am just discovering myself? 

My electronics are packing up, are? nope - they have, just like that. I really don't know how much more i can take. Under pressure; I'd roll a blunt, I'd swirl the cool calm soothing JD in my mouth but I can't any more; Doctors' orders and God

I am scared, I have to admit to myself, for the first time - I know this thing called fear, is this what it feels like? Gosh, I hate this feeling - It seems only recently have I come alive, only recently have I started living for me, not for them- but me. 

I try to take deep breaths, I try to see the world through rose-coloured glasses, I try to not 'fear'. But I am grateful, I truly am- for family and life. I am not at the edge, or am I?

Pressure; I'd kick this narcotics habit once and for all.. 

Pressure; I'd treat my electronics like things and let them go

Pressure; I'd churn in all my course-works on time.

Pressure; that thing I'd never admit.. Not now, maybe later.. 

2 Corinthians 12: 9 But he said to me, " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

So this is me - At that point when it's me and God - Again.. I've been here before, but not like this.. This is a new experience, a new process, new.. Pressure, I kinda like it.