The Red Thing

I picked it up, drew it upon my lips.. 

The red thing looked different, was this me? Who was that? My friend DW squealed with excitement, she said it was 'beautiful'. Well, i looked at my reflection, i didn't see that. I didn't see beauty. How can she use beauty and me in the same statement? How? Scoffs, She doesn't see.. The dirt that is me, the nothingness of this.

I was to walk around with the red thing on my lips. She begged, insisted and threatened. I couldn't wipe it off.

I couldn't, that was a condition.. Well see, the red thing didn't validate me. It didn't. I was still ugly.. 

But she made me take a picture and insisted i posted it. The comments, the likes. The Shock. I couldn't get it. What do they see? What are they talking about? Well, they are trying to make me feel good i said, I shrugged it off.

Then i got home. Went to my neighbors, who are now friends. One kept staring at me, i blushed, like a little girl - i didn't meet his gave.. He said, you are beautiful.. Oh My God.. For over 30 mins  he kept looking at me.. Not through me, at me. I shook my head.. This was real, i am not invisible. 

I sent this picture to a friend i have never met. She went 'ape shit' - I imagined her jumping, it made me laugh. She said words, she told me. 'Whooooosh' she went, i could feel her excitement. I blushed some more. 

I stayed for a little over 3 hrs, he gushed. The other, looked at me.. Stunned, he kept shaking his head. I didn't get.. I looked in the mirror, i couldn't see it..

I slept off, then woke up and went to my room.. Laid down to drift away again and with Sinach's voice belting out I expected to be in La La land, but the words I am blessed, kings shall come to my rising struck my heart. 

Kings? What.. Me?

Then the tears, they flowed.. I stood in front of the mirror and looked.. I saw it, not fully but I saw her.. Not that damaged girl, but this woman. The one who loves God, the one who understands that her body is the temple of the Most High. The one who God has loved through it all.. 

So i spoke to my Father, i begged for forgiveness, for hating this Temple of his and treating it like garbage.. Everybody sees a kings kid.. I know i am a Kings kid, i just didn't see it..

It may take awhile for me to get used to it, the beauty that is me.. I used beauty and me in the same statement but i shall look at the mirror everyday, every minute. I shall look at my reflection and call it beautiful.

I am blessed.. 

The miracle of the red thing.. A lipstick it was - Guerlain it is called.. 

Strength

People say i am strong, but i think myself weak.

I have lost in my ability to stay strong, the walls i built are coming down. The tears flow much easily these days, alas.. I am finally becoming human.

What has happened to the thick skinned girl who didn't think anything could move her? Aye, what is happening to me. I refuse to feel like a mere mortal. After-all, they call me Super Humzzz.

What do i have to do to get back, where is the block needed to build the wall? My defenses are weak, i have been weakened. This is not the life i promised myself. This was not the plan.

I don't rely on myself anymore, i was strong for too long. I was strong for people. Maybe that is it. My strength was not for me, but for them. To be their shoulder, their voice of reason... Am i tired? Am i angry? Am i weak?

The call broke me, but i knew the right words to say. Stay strong i scolded. But i felt it in that box that didn't feel before, the pain piercing.

Strength, i might have drowned in it, but i have learnt to reach out.

I thought only weak people cried, but i discovered the strength needed to cry is monumental, To shed tears, that takes courage.

I once thought i was strong, because i thought it meant not feeling. But now, i'd tell you.. Strength is not indifference, Strength is smiling through the tears that only you can feel..

For others, i have to be Strong..  as for me well.. This is new..

Day 2

I sat in the library, scanned some documents.. Taught quite grudgingly i might add some course-mate of mine.. Why did i? Well he asked.. And i don't know how to turn someone who needs my help down.

Would i improve on this? Yes, i told myself ... But my mind wandered too much...

Joss wont stop screaming her caramel whisky laced voice in my ear.. Something about a Man's world and Love. Ah, but i digress (as is usual for me)..

I did some sit ups (Yay) , you should be happy.. But see, i drank, not copious amounts before sadness engulfs you... Just 3 or 4 cans.. Stop, yes i know.. I should quit.. After tomorrow..

Just Chuckled, well i should... I like alcohol, the fluidity and all.. Damn, what did i really want to write? Ugh..

Ah yes.. Father called me.. I'm glad, i feel slightly alive...

Had mad banter with Dems, i like her.. She thinks everything i say has a double meaning.. Why? Only when she points it out do i even notice that yea, maybe i meant something else.

I should call Sexy R, miss her loads... I don't want to ask about her Union.. God, please do it for her.. She said her vows before you.. I would support her every decision.

I am going to London... It is best mates birthday.. Well, i feel i have lost her ever since she got a girlfriend.. Is this jealousy? Uhm.. maybe not? I need to be able to put a finger to these random emotions..

I wont lie to you or myself.. Who reads this? Nobody..

So yea.. But yea, I know i would be teased, being the only straight person tomorrow or am i? Hmmmm well till then, i'd find out..

But yea.. I said Hello to God, missed service, unintentional.. Shocked the pastor when i said i didn't got o Church..

I can not explain this my relationship with God to somebody, I just know i Love HIM deeply, well maybe.. Hahahha.. Kidding..

Have to go pack.

Beginning

Failure.

What does it mean to fail?

Have you felt that empty feeling like you do not deserve the words of encouragement people spew?

Do you know what it means to feel like nothing?

How do you even start afresh?

Where do i find the strength?

These are not the questions that really bug, they are just a few of the things that my fingers want to tap away.

I know what it is to fail, all too recently. I am not hypocritical neither do i boast in my inability or rather my lack of application of self..

I procrastinated for too long, I failed. But i have to make a solemn promise to myself.

I will not fail again, i will do my utmost best and lest i fail in future, it wont be for lacking of trying- It would be i did something wrong.

This is my diary, my mind.. The words i type.. My journey, my re-invention.

This is me..

I have failed, but i am not a failure.. I have dusted myself and i would fight for this. Yes, fight.. that is it..