Saturday, 10 November 2012

I'm Fine

How i hate that reply.. How are you? 'I'm fine'

11/11/10..  Many of my friends must have benefited from that day, they just don't know

I didn't know you existed till you called one day, i knew i had yoruba cousins, but i didn't know you.. That faithful day in 2004 when you fell out with your father to find us, you insisted, you left Jos, you found us; we became family.. It was either Femi or Emmanuel.. We called you our brother, you were one of my brothers in House 7 and later House 12.

We loved, I love you.. You were my big brother.. It was hard getting into Uni for you, i mean- you were a darn hot head.. The military reject your father called you.. We just told you it was the 'Ohafia' blood in you; the blood of warriors.. But i was in third year, you came to FUTO, to be close to me.. To look after me, your words- not mine..

When i sneezed you were there to say bless you, Deborah (May her soul rest in peace) insisted on meeting the girl who 'stole' her brother .. We hit it off.. You looked at us, your sisters.. You smiled.

In 2006, you called me.. I was in school.. You said.. Deborah is dead, she is in my hands or rather what is left of her, i was bereft.. I said, do i come to Jos, you said - The roads are not safe; i can't lose you both, i'd be back and straight running you did.. People didn't understand it, i didn't but i loved you, i still do.. You called me queen, you held me high. You.

When i was picked by the SS, you found me.. I don't know how.. But you did.. You told them, arrest me instead, let her go write her final exam, she would come back.. Of course i did, it was you.

I left school in 2007, i called you intermittently- When you had issues, i was there. because i loved you, i still do..

In 2008 i saw you after 6 months, but i didn't see you, i saw a form- your form.. It wasn't you. It wasn't the same guy who drilled a boy because he 'tapped' me too hard. It wasn't my Femi, it wasn't my brother..

You were gaunt, i looked into your eyes, I saw your soul, dark, lost, empty.  We were at Eddie's wedding, I didn't smile, I couldn't, I feigned a headache, I sat and the car and cried. I cried Femi, I cried.. I told our mother, I told your mother.. They said you were 'fine' - He is a Man, it is nothing.

How those words haunt me, how i don't take anything for granted, how i care all too deeply, Even for people i might never meet.

On 11/11/10. They sat at the edge of my bed, not knowing how to form the words. Searching they finally said it: Emmanuel is dead. I laughed Emmanuel, Femi i laughed.. They didn't know what they were talking about. I called your number 08023067168, I still remember. You didn't pick.

I slept 5 hours, first time in my 72 hours without sleep it was.. I slept, woke up and asked .. How?

Then they shattered my being, the very essence of you, they broke me, but you see - i didn't cry.

You took a life that wasn't yours to take, from the 3rd floor of your building in Wuse whilst your mother was in the kitchen..

Suicide.

Femi, My man there.. You took your life? A man, is still 'just' a man no matter how many demons he has fought; you used to say...

Femi.. My man there, Egede 1.. He who faces pure evil and doesn't dance on his toes because his heels are planted in concrete...

Femi? How are you?

Femi? My man there...

Emmanuel Eniola, Rest in Peace



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