Love Letter

Hey You,

I Like that I Love you,
I Like that every-time I hear something you've said it means something else, well at the time,
I Like that even though I feel pain, I know you're there,
I Like that I can call you Lover, Friend and Lord - I Like that so very much.
I might not say it enough, but Gosh, I do Love You.

Sometime's I forget you're God, I get angry at you, I scream, keep malice, fret a bit ; maybe a little more than a bit, but You knew I'd fret so You said 'Be anxious for naught'.

I forget your word sometimes, OK most times, well more than I would like to admit, more than I am willing to say, but you don't throw me away.

I know you smile when I'm being 'human'- fickle and forgetful. Sometimes you shake your head, I know You do *eyelashes* - Awwww, that smile. Yea, I amuse You.. Thanks I feel good..

This is me re-affirming that I don't doubt the efficacy of your Name or in your Word. This is me saying, I know you're God and I have to let You just be that - GOD (All by yourself and all that jazz).

P.S - I Love YOU, Well for being GOD irrespective of my tantrums (they've been one too many).

Yours Eternally,

Ulari

Pressure

I said i thrived under pressure, I boasted in my ability to be calm - I swore in the potency of pressure to churn out the best in me, I did, I do, I...

This is not like the pressure I've known, this is not what I'm accustomed to, this is new. This is me under a different kind of  pressure, this is me fighting my addiction, this is me fighting depression, this is me waiting on a doctors report to certify my kidney OK, this is me bare, broken, digging deep. 

I am withdrawing, into myself- I feel the universe is playing tricks on me, it wants me to fail. I am scared of failing, i am at my weakest, this is not me, who is this? Have i lived life for others that i am just discovering myself? 

My electronics are packing up, are? nope - they have, just like that. I really don't know how much more i can take. Under pressure; I'd roll a blunt, I'd swirl the cool calm soothing JD in my mouth but I can't any more; Doctors' orders and God

I am scared, I have to admit to myself, for the first time - I know this thing called fear, is this what it feels like? Gosh, I hate this feeling - It seems only recently have I come alive, only recently have I started living for me, not for them- but me. 

I try to take deep breaths, I try to see the world through rose-coloured glasses, I try to not 'fear'. But I am grateful, I truly am- for family and life. I am not at the edge, or am I?

Pressure; I'd kick this narcotics habit once and for all.. 

Pressure; I'd treat my electronics like things and let them go

Pressure; I'd churn in all my course-works on time.

Pressure; that thing I'd never admit.. Not now, maybe later.. 

2 Corinthians 12: 9 But he said to me, " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

So this is me - At that point when it's me and God - Again.. I've been here before, but not like this.. This is a new experience, a new process, new.. Pressure, I kinda like it. 

I'm Fine

How i hate that reply.. How are you? 'I'm fine'

11/11/10..  Many of my friends must have benefited from that day, they just don't know

I didn't know you existed till you called one day, i knew i had yoruba cousins, but i didn't know you.. That faithful day in 2004 when you fell out with your father to find us, you insisted, you left Jos, you found us; we became family.. It was either Femi or Emmanuel.. We called you our brother, you were one of my brothers in House 7 and later House 12.

We loved, I love you.. You were my big brother.. It was hard getting into Uni for you, i mean- you were a darn hot head.. The military reject your father called you.. We just told you it was the 'Ohafia' blood in you; the blood of warriors.. But i was in third year, you came to FUTO, to be close to me.. To look after me, your words- not mine..

When i sneezed you were there to say bless you, Deborah (May her soul rest in peace) insisted on meeting the girl who 'stole' her brother .. We hit it off.. You looked at us, your sisters.. You smiled.

In 2006, you called me.. I was in school.. You said.. Deborah is dead, she is in my hands or rather what is left of her, i was bereft.. I said, do i come to Jos, you said - The roads are not safe; i can't lose you both, i'd be back and straight running you did.. People didn't understand it, i didn't but i loved you, i still do.. You called me queen, you held me high. You.

When i was picked by the SS, you found me.. I don't know how.. But you did.. You told them, arrest me instead, let her go write her final exam, she would come back.. Of course i did, it was you.

I left school in 2007, i called you intermittently- When you had issues, i was there. because i loved you, i still do..

In 2008 i saw you after 6 months, but i didn't see you, i saw a form- your form.. It wasn't you. It wasn't the same guy who drilled a boy because he 'tapped' me too hard. It wasn't my Femi, it wasn't my brother..

You were gaunt, i looked into your eyes, I saw your soul, dark, lost, empty.  We were at Eddie's wedding, I didn't smile, I couldn't, I feigned a headache, I sat and the car and cried. I cried Femi, I cried.. I told our mother, I told your mother.. They said you were 'fine' - He is a Man, it is nothing.

How those words haunt me, how i don't take anything for granted, how i care all too deeply, Even for people i might never meet.

On 11/11/10. They sat at the edge of my bed, not knowing how to form the words. Searching they finally said it: Emmanuel is dead. I laughed Emmanuel, Femi i laughed.. They didn't know what they were talking about. I called your number 08023067168, I still remember. You didn't pick.

I slept 5 hours, first time in my 72 hours without sleep it was.. I slept, woke up and asked .. How?

Then they shattered my being, the very essence of you, they broke me, but you see - i didn't cry.

You took a life that wasn't yours to take, from the 3rd floor of your building in Wuse whilst your mother was in the kitchen..

Suicide.

Femi, My man there.. You took your life? A man, is still 'just' a man no matter how many demons he has fought; you used to say...

Femi.. My man there, Egede 1.. He who faces pure evil and doesn't dance on his toes because his heels are planted in concrete...

Femi? How are you?

Femi? My man there...

Emmanuel Eniola, Rest in Peace

Noise

Sometimes it just gets really noisy in my head, too noisy for logical thoughts, too noisy for common sense, too noisy for me.

I am not sure what i used to do, well  i know... But i can't escape anymore, i don't have the means to seek oblivion, well.. I could, but i can't . My escape used to be found rolled in a blunt.. The Lord, HE who i drag this self has placed palpitations between i and a blunt. So no more..

The noise scares me, the noise is me. I may not make as much sense as i should, but writing about this noise helps me.

I should not write, i should maybe, well i am rambling. That is what this is. This noise draws me away from people. It is the noise of me struggling with self. It is the noise of the tango i dance with my Father every time.

It is me knowing i have strayed too far. It is the noise of 'defiance'. He has got me where HE wants me, on my knees..But i struggle with HIM.. Noise.

I created this Noise, to block out HIS voice.. I can't anymore. It is the voice i've known ever since i was 9, it is the voice that said you will be fine. But i struggle, Why?

I need to step away from the Noise. To be with my Father.. I need to hear HIS voice, to tell me it is fine..  It has been awhile..

So i would cry, not in tears that are seen, i would bleed, not from my veins but in my heart, away from the noise. My soul knows, my soul yearns, i would lock myself and listen.

My father who art in Heaven, i have stepped away from the noise..
I am here, what would you have me do...

Static... no noise, Peace, No noise..

Shhhhhhhhhhh.. It is clear...

The Red Thing

I picked it up, drew it upon my lips.. 

The red thing looked different, was this me? Who was that? My friend DW squealed with excitement, she said it was 'beautiful'. Well, i looked at my reflection, i didn't see that. I didn't see beauty. How can she use beauty and me in the same statement? How? Scoffs, She doesn't see.. The dirt that is me, the nothingness of this.

I was to walk around with the red thing on my lips. She begged, insisted and threatened. I couldn't wipe it off.

I couldn't, that was a condition.. Well see, the red thing didn't validate me. It didn't. I was still ugly.. 

But she made me take a picture and insisted i posted it. The comments, the likes. The Shock. I couldn't get it. What do they see? What are they talking about? Well, they are trying to make me feel good i said, I shrugged it off.

Then i got home. Went to my neighbors, who are now friends. One kept staring at me, i blushed, like a little girl - i didn't meet his gave.. He said, you are beautiful.. Oh My God.. For over 30 mins  he kept looking at me.. Not through me, at me. I shook my head.. This was real, i am not invisible. 

I sent this picture to a friend i have never met. She went 'ape shit' - I imagined her jumping, it made me laugh. She said words, she told me. 'Whooooosh' she went, i could feel her excitement. I blushed some more. 

I stayed for a little over 3 hrs, he gushed. The other, looked at me.. Stunned, he kept shaking his head. I didn't get.. I looked in the mirror, i couldn't see it..

I slept off, then woke up and went to my room.. Laid down to drift away again and with Sinach's voice belting out I expected to be in La La land, but the words I am blessed, kings shall come to my rising struck my heart. 

Kings? What.. Me?

Then the tears, they flowed.. I stood in front of the mirror and looked.. I saw it, not fully but I saw her.. Not that damaged girl, but this woman. The one who loves God, the one who understands that her body is the temple of the Most High. The one who God has loved through it all.. 

So i spoke to my Father, i begged for forgiveness, for hating this Temple of his and treating it like garbage.. Everybody sees a kings kid.. I know i am a Kings kid, i just didn't see it..

It may take awhile for me to get used to it, the beauty that is me.. I used beauty and me in the same statement but i shall look at the mirror everyday, every minute. I shall look at my reflection and call it beautiful.

I am blessed.. 

The miracle of the red thing.. A lipstick it was - Guerlain it is called.. 

Strength

People say i am strong, but i think myself weak.

I have lost in my ability to stay strong, the walls i built are coming down. The tears flow much easily these days, alas.. I am finally becoming human.

What has happened to the thick skinned girl who didn't think anything could move her? Aye, what is happening to me. I refuse to feel like a mere mortal. After-all, they call me Super Humzzz.

What do i have to do to get back, where is the block needed to build the wall? My defenses are weak, i have been weakened. This is not the life i promised myself. This was not the plan.

I don't rely on myself anymore, i was strong for too long. I was strong for people. Maybe that is it. My strength was not for me, but for them. To be their shoulder, their voice of reason... Am i tired? Am i angry? Am i weak?

The call broke me, but i knew the right words to say. Stay strong i scolded. But i felt it in that box that didn't feel before, the pain piercing.

Strength, i might have drowned in it, but i have learnt to reach out.

I thought only weak people cried, but i discovered the strength needed to cry is monumental, To shed tears, that takes courage.

I once thought i was strong, because i thought it meant not feeling. But now, i'd tell you.. Strength is not indifference, Strength is smiling through the tears that only you can feel..

For others, i have to be Strong..  as for me well.. This is new..

Day 2

I sat in the library, scanned some documents.. Taught quite grudgingly i might add some course-mate of mine.. Why did i? Well he asked.. And i don't know how to turn someone who needs my help down.

Would i improve on this? Yes, i told myself ... But my mind wandered too much...

Joss wont stop screaming her caramel whisky laced voice in my ear.. Something about a Man's world and Love. Ah, but i digress (as is usual for me)..

I did some sit ups (Yay) , you should be happy.. But see, i drank, not copious amounts before sadness engulfs you... Just 3 or 4 cans.. Stop, yes i know.. I should quit.. After tomorrow..

Just Chuckled, well i should... I like alcohol, the fluidity and all.. Damn, what did i really want to write? Ugh..

Ah yes.. Father called me.. I'm glad, i feel slightly alive...

Had mad banter with Dems, i like her.. She thinks everything i say has a double meaning.. Why? Only when she points it out do i even notice that yea, maybe i meant something else.

I should call Sexy R, miss her loads... I don't want to ask about her Union.. God, please do it for her.. She said her vows before you.. I would support her every decision.

I am going to London... It is best mates birthday.. Well, i feel i have lost her ever since she got a girlfriend.. Is this jealousy? Uhm.. maybe not? I need to be able to put a finger to these random emotions..

I wont lie to you or myself.. Who reads this? Nobody..

So yea.. But yea, I know i would be teased, being the only straight person tomorrow or am i? Hmmmm well till then, i'd find out..

But yea.. I said Hello to God, missed service, unintentional.. Shocked the pastor when i said i didn't got o Church..

I can not explain this my relationship with God to somebody, I just know i Love HIM deeply, well maybe.. Hahahha.. Kidding..

Have to go pack.

Beginning

Failure.

What does it mean to fail?

Have you felt that empty feeling like you do not deserve the words of encouragement people spew?

Do you know what it means to feel like nothing?

How do you even start afresh?

Where do i find the strength?

These are not the questions that really bug, they are just a few of the things that my fingers want to tap away.

I know what it is to fail, all too recently. I am not hypocritical neither do i boast in my inability or rather my lack of application of self..

I procrastinated for too long, I failed. But i have to make a solemn promise to myself.

I will not fail again, i will do my utmost best and lest i fail in future, it wont be for lacking of trying- It would be i did something wrong.

This is my diary, my mind.. The words i type.. My journey, my re-invention.

This is me..

I have failed, but i am not a failure.. I have dusted myself and i would fight for this. Yes, fight.. that is it..